Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
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I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
just witnessed a drug deal
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I want what they have
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?