My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
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No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.