{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
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No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*