explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
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Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.