This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
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I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that