HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
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I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
how was your vacation
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.