When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
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Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.