Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
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This is my emotional support knife.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Snapes on a plane.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me