I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
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9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Yes, this is exactly right
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”