Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
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[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
*bites zombie*
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”