Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
You Might Also Like
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg