That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
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My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat