my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
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8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!