Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
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Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.