All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
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Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.