“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
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I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Yup!
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out