The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
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Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Me My dog
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?