It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
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Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh