eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
😂 amazing answer
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.