From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
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psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.