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that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
when mom throws a party…
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet