date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
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If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip