women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
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Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”