Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!