I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
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Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
can’t catch a break
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.