This is a fact based meme 馃槒馃槀
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Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she鈥檚 claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I鈥檓 dead.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I love all my family members and wouldn鈥檛 sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they鈥檙e all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn鈥檛 cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.