Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
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I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.