Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
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[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
That stupid look on my face, is my face