“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
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Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH