[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
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Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.