I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
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“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Storm Tropical Storm
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??