Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
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“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Good dog. ❤️
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
This probably isn’t good
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.