2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
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hackers play passwordle
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.