COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
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*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.