The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
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“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel