Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
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[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).