“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
You Might Also Like
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
how high up are we talkin’?
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
6. me as a lawyer
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space