Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
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[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying