most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
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16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”