If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
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[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.