no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
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Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.