The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
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smh
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?