Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
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Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.