Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
#winning
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.