When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
You Might Also Like
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
😩😩😩
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
this is the news I live for
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas