My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
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nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.