Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
You Might Also Like
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.