A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Ugh
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!