Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
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THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway