“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
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I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.